What does it mean to be kind?
For our children with neurodiversity “reading the room” and making sense of the social nuances is often very hard. They (and us) often experience judgy glances, snide comments that do not make sense, passive aggressive tones and cues that do not always match the words being said. This causes confusion. Our children feel deeply and can “feel” the mismatch between what is being portrayed vs what is being meant, but they cannot always make sense of it. The irritated comments, the mocking, jeering and ignoring hurts a lot. Everyone wants to be accepted, have friends and share moments. Our children are pushed to attend social skills groups and are taught how to mask and what they should be doing to fit into society. I am unsure why society is not being pushed to attend lessons on how to include and how to be kind!
Kindness is something that I used to think was obvious. I have learned that what is “kind” for me is not necessarily the same as your “kind”. Some people’s personalities have resulted in them being naturally kinder people. Perhaps they have had experiences where they have been on the receiving end of unkind behaviour and have decided not to hurt other people because they know how it feels. Or perhaps they have been exposed to people who speak about kindness, model kind actions and have learned HOW to be kind. We need to be in a space to be able to think of the other even if we have never experienced the same experience ourselves. Sometimes it is a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, we need to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. Empathy is a learned skill. Empathy is a verb. It is the ability to place our own selves into someone else’s shoes, to feel and share the pain of someone else and to be open enough to view someone else’s perspective and to take action to help or support. We need to remember that kindness includes what we say as well as our actions.
It is important to distinguish between “being nice” and “being kind”. Being nice is being well-mannered and saying friendly things. Being kind is intentionally doing good deeds. Kind people genuinely want to help someone else – not for the accolades, but just to quietly support and show their compassion. “Compassion is not a virtue – it is a commitment. It is not something we have or don’t have – it is something we choose to practice.” ~ Brene Brown.
I have often heard people saying: “be kind because you will get x or y back”, but true kindness is doing something out of the goodness of your heart and not expecting anything in return. The irony is that when we are kind, we get that warm and fuzzy feeling, we see the sparkle in the other person’s eye or we see their cloud lift -and this in fact is a reward.
We know Pastor Gary Chapman came up with the different love languages, as he saw that the reason for relational discord is not because people try not to connect, but rather they have different ways of experiencing and receiving love. This means that sometimes people try to express their love in ways the other person doesn’t understand:
- Words of affirmation – using encouraging and positive words of love and care. Eg. “I love how caring you are to animals”, “I enjoy spending time with you”. Perhaps be explicit about what you love about the child so that they feel loved for exactly who they are and that it is not conditional on how they behave.
- Quality time – wanting undivided attention where the person is attentive, truly present and makes you feel like a priority. 20-minutes a day can change a person’s world!
- Gifts – a visual symbol that has been thoughtfully selected based on the person’s interests not bought for the sake of giving a gift.
- Acts of service – “actions speak louder than words”. A helping hand makes the person feel cared for. We need to do things in a caring and thoughtful way so that we don’t make the child feel incapable.
- Physical touch– physical touch may help you feel connected. Remember to think about the person’s sensory profile too. Perhaps they enjoy being touched but not as a sudden gesture; perhaps ask first. Perhaps gentle touch is irritating, but a deep massage is connecting. Perhaps being touched in the morning before their sensory threshold is full is better than late afternoon. It is important to be mindful.
In order to practice any of these, one needs to be able to think of the OTHER! In order to do this, we need to be in a space to be able to think of the other and we need to be kind to ourselves as well! “Self-compassion is key because when we are able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we are more likely to reach out, connect and experience empathy.” ~Brene Brown.
I came across this story on Facebook and it really touched me. The world would be a better place if this was the norm:
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
‘When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?’
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. ‘I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.’
Then he told the following story:
Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, ‘Do you think they’ll let me play?’ I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, ‘We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning..’
Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all teammates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, ‘Shay, run to first!
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, ‘Run to second, run to second!’
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, ‘Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay’
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, ‘Run to third!
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, ‘Shay, run home! Run home!’
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team
‘That day’, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, ‘the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world’.
Shay didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
What if when a child isn’t “getting” the gist of the conversation or is taking it too literally, we gently explain without mocking? What if we ask them in a non-judgemental way if they feel like they understand what is going on? What if we invite them to join in if they are sitting on their own? What if for 10-15 minutes you continue to talk about their interest even if it does not interest you?
Imagine their hearts when feeling wanted and accepted. Imagine the growth in their confidence and their desire to try again next time.
For our children – we need to:
- Praise them when they do something kind.
- Give them examples of social situations where a kind gesture could have worked.
- We need to model kind acts and point out our thinking behind our thinking. Often what we think is obvious, is not. What are the clues we noticed that led us to act a certain way.
- Teach them what Radical Acceptance of the other looks like. This means we need to radically accept ourselves too.
- Teach them how to approach someone and have a conversation. Remember that genuine curiosity in the other helps us CONNECT!
We need to embrace all people. We need to open ourselves up to learning how to approach, handle and include all people even when it does not feel comfortable for us. Our ND children have so much to teach us, so much to offer this world. Let’s build them up, let’s open our hearts and be kind. I am confident in saying that you will be surprised how much you gain without even aiming to. No-one is perfect so let’s accept each other for the exact person we are. Every day presents us with the opportunity to give someone a chance to have their Shay homerun moment. Opportunities are all around us for kindness if our hearts are open to it.
~Rekindle Connection