People are very well-meaning!
The advice of “Put your own oxygen mask on first and THEN your child” is well-known and is true. But what happens when we see it as a selfish act? What happens when we view taking care of ourselves as “princess” or “spoilt” behaviour? What happens when we “don’t have time” or money or support to leave our children somewhere safe or with “safe people” who really understand your child and are open to using strategies needed by your child? What if we don’t have the desire or the knowledge of what brings us joy anymore? What happens when we are just surviving with life’s pressures and barely at that?
While it is very important to be able to push through discomfort sometimes; there is a limit!
We have created a monster! We are expected to “soldier on”, “suck it up” and just get through whatever challenges face us, but also manage our self-care, have time to be social, be attuned partners, have hobbies, excel in our careers, manage the financial pressures etc. etc. etc. When we start wobbling and need a break; the guilt and shame we carry can be excruciating to bear.
Being a parent is hard! Being a parent of a child with extra layers is even harder. The mental load is extreme and it is relentless. Burnout is real and it is vital that we catch ourselves before the impact is too great! Burnout does not “just happen”; it slowly gains momentum the more we suppress the signs and our needs until it stops us in our tracks.
You may be overwhelmed or dysregulated when…
- You are more irritable than usual and this lasts for an extended period of time
- More road rage than usual
- Flustered and forgetful
- Tearful seemingly from the smallest triggers
- Your tolerance for sensory inputs seem lower OR you need much more than typically
- Great difficulty in completing tasks
- Difficulty with sleeping
- Over or under eating
- etc
Constantly being told to fill your own cup can feel like another demand, rather than be helpful. While it is critical to be regulated in order to function optimally; when one is so stretched, so depleted, it can feel overwhelming due to not knowing where to start.
Do you even know what brings you joy?
If your answer to this is “no” then let’s go back to the “YOU” you were before kids. How did you used to spend your free time? Are you a nature person, an art person, a sports person? Do you love cooking but no longer have the time to immerse yourself in that? Do you gain energy from being around people or does it sap you? Learn to become aware of what gives you energy vs what drains you and if you cannot figure this out, it may prove helpful to access professional guidance. Life happens and it cannot always be a perfect scenario, but it is critical to be able to know our “tells” so that we can step in as needed before breaking point. Once you remember what brought you joy and identify what inputs or withdrawals assist you (remember to learn your sensory profile as well), you can start looking at how to incorporate it into your life in a practical and sustainable way.
What affect does Self-care have?
* Feel calmer and can think clearer
* Feel more grounded and have more capacity for those around you thereby have an easier time managing relationships
* Feel more energetic and manage more efficiently
* Feel healthier: healthy body, healthy mind and vice versa
* Better quality of sleep
* Eat better: fewer self-sabotaging decisions
* Feel less anxious and be able to manage any negative thoughts that pop up
* Feel better able to cope with challenges
*Model self-care and balance for our children rather than preach it and them see us scrambling!
Some examples of self-care may look like:
“I love cooking, but everyone wants something different to eat or I don’t have time to cook”
- Try paging through a recipe book with a cup of tea or making 2 meals on the weekend that you can freeze for the week.
- I find involving my children excites them and they enjoy eating their creations. It offers an opportunity to connect, share the load (the cleaning too) and builds their skills and confidence. I only do this when I have capacity, else it becomes stressful for us all.
“I am always rushing so I don’t have time to take time for me”
- Park the car a little further from the school drop off and walk with a cup of coffee, take in your surroundings, be aware of sipping the delicious and warm drink while the air is so cold and be mindful of literally “filling yourself up”.
- Use the time while driving to call a friend who makes you smile.
- Prepare a playlist of music that lifts you or calms you that you can listen to while driving alone.
- Plan your week so that you can see where there are gaps in your schedule – are you going to exercise? put your seat in your car back and doze for 20 minute? When you know what is going to be expected, then you will be able to be more efficient.
- Keep a scented handcream in your car and take a moment to mindfully massage it into your hands. Luxuriate in the moment, be aware of the scent, the feeling.
- Sometimes just standing for an extra two minutes in the shower and being aware of the hot water trickling on your back can get your system into a calmer space in order to tackle bedtime resulting in a calmer period for everyone.
Find the mornings chaotic?
- Try waking up 5-10 minutes before everyone else to enjoy your cup of coffee alone in the quiet before the demands of the family start bombarding you or let’s look at which tasks could be done the night before?
- I find sitting in the quiet of the morning before anyone else is up, with my cat on my lap and stroking his soft fur and listening to him purr so calming. It helps get me ready to face the morning chaos.
Using organisational strategies:
- this stresses some people out, but when we have systems in place, there is less pressure on our mental load.
- the more stressed I am the more my label maker comes out, cupboards are neatened and I make systems. It helps me feel contained when everything else feels out of control.
Planning a family holiday:
- Plan your route and factor in breaks. Try stop where there are multiple options eg. Toilet, shop for food, grassy patch for kids to run safely and for you to get a delicious coffee.
- Select activities for the kids that do not require your input all the time. Perhaps a sensory box with fidgets, magnetic toys, colouring in books etc.
- Sensory snacks: do you/ your children need crunchy, chewy, spicy, minty, cold depending on your sensory profiles.
- Prepare a list of downloaded audio books or music playlists that the whole family can listen to.
- Plan your time away: research before you leave so that you can have a schedule for your family members and that there is structure. Factor in down time as well. Holidays can be very unsettling for some children (and parents) and the more “known” aspects there are, the more contained they may feel.
There are so many other aspects to life where we can insert moments to look after ourselves and preserve our own state of regulation. Becoming aware of what activities you spend time doing that do not serve your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual self and shift them so that you benefit more is also important. Sometimes saying ”no” is also an act of self-care!
Taking what may seem like a tiny step may seem silly at first, but a little action often spurs a lot of momentum.